There were things that I always wanted to say to you. To be and dream and hope with you. I thought that someday maybe we could be what I hoped to be. But I was mistaken. I would have brought you Orchids, and talked dreamily about you over coffee in moments when I was without you. There were things that I hoped would flourish. I would have walked through snowstorms to classes, and in rainstorms to your doorstep to breathe you in. People think it was infatuation, or moments of lust, but it was love. It was more than I had thought that it was, and I could just put it aside and maybe it would go away. I dreamt about you. You were, and always have been beautiful to me. Even just thoughts of you give me shivers.

Today was an especially hard day to be without you. Even though, darling, I never actually had you. I could sense you in every way possible. I don’t know why it couldn’t be how I wanted it to, but I don’t regret it. You were everything to me. Its been years of missed chances, and quick glances. I could write about this every day.

There are days when I think about all the things I have imagined doing for you. Multitudes of reasoning myself out of writing you books. Smiling because I knew you were happy, and even though it ripped me apart, just holding my tongue, and hoping that where ever you were, there was peace behind a sense of urgency.